Category Archives: Humor

Stuff that I thought was funny at the time I wrote it.

Aerial Gynectomy

Based on a true personal experience … Trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, I chose the side of the street with shadows, but was approached by a woman who decided that I was the cause of all her life’s … Continue reading

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Verizon’s Newbie Android Class Fail

Last night Suzy and I went to Verizon to take a “class” entitled “Beginning Android”. We were almost the youngest people there — and I’m seventy — I’ve arrived at the age where I want to tell people how old … Continue reading

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There Are Not All Types of People

“There are all types of people in the world.” So claims an author I’ve been editing. Sounds like a truism, right? No there’s not. To say there is sounds as though there’s some master catalog of types, and that someone … Continue reading

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A Letter to One’s Copyeditor

Dear Ed Itor. Please to find in file word proces is many words of Story, Is very very funny hilarious freinds say (ha ha!) Please to choose salubrious and make nice sentinces with sound is Good English. If maybe some … Continue reading

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Case Hope Long Executed

Noted ironist author Case Hope Long was executed by lethal injection this morning for a crime neither he nor anyone else could remember. Beforehand, he announced that his last words would be, “These are my last words.” Considered a master … Continue reading

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Uncircling, Unfriending, and Unfollowing

Though I don’t maintain an ironclad bullet list of rules about who I follow in my social networks, certain annoyances move me to uncircle, unfriend, or unfollow persons posthaste. (All three italicized words are social networking neologisms.) Give me full … Continue reading

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Pressing the Elevator Button

Now and then I notice the way naive people make fun of more enlightened individuals who press elevator buttons repeatedly in an effort to make them arrive sooner. I’ve been known to beat on the call buttons of a few … Continue reading

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About Legacy Posts

As of July 25, 2011, I have migrated over 130 articles from my Neologistics blog, where since August 2005 I have posted many unsorted articles, including items unrelated to editing, writing, or literature. The articles copied from the old site … Continue reading

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Easy Start

If it weren’t so annoying I’d laugh at the words written on my Honda gasoline-powered powersprayer’s engine. It says: EASY START One is led to conjecture they display this expression to convey a sense of contrast with the sort of … Continue reading

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My Visit with Queen Elizabeth II

I had a dream last night about Queen Elizabeth II. Lovely woman, that one. She came to our locality for a visit, accompanied only by a male attendant, whom I presumed to be a personal secretary. She spoke at a … Continue reading

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Giving Away My Roots

When I lived outside the tiny coastal town of Searsport, Maine, I had a nasty tooth problem and had to hightail it to a dentist. I knew of one in Belfast named — I’m not making this up — Dr. … Continue reading

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Running Only Four or Five Hours

Long ago I considered running the Mickelson Trail Marathon. It sounded like a good race to me, and besides, I hadn’t run a regular marathon in years; but running it would have required me to travel from Arizona to South … Continue reading

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Can You Guess How Oold I Am?

Have you ever noticed how some older people like to tell you their age? It seems I’ve reached that point in life where I’m anxious to tell people my age, sometimes looking for excuses to do so. It’s a pretty … Continue reading

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My Grandma

My Grandma Newton had no automobile; had no television; had no radio; had no telephone; had an ice box instead of a refrigerator until 1952; had no modern record player; didn’t own a book except a Bible; didn’t think much … Continue reading

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My Buddy Mozart

A friend approached me one evening, an older (but not ancient) woman, wanting to know if she correctly understood what she had heard — that I had at one time been a professional photographer in New York City. Having no … Continue reading

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The Real Inventor of the Internet

An urban legend that circulated in 2000, one that persists today as a standing joke, was that Al Gore, then running for the office President of the United States, made the wild claim to have “invented the Internet.” Although Gore … Continue reading

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Nuggets

As I prepare to move in a few days into our new house in the Berwick community of Columbus, these thoughts cross my mind. Long ago I attended a church service on Communion Sunday, when they pass around bread and … Continue reading

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MANLY Sports

There have been far too many sissy sports allowed into the Olympics, and personally, I’m weary of it. I say it’s time to beef up the agenda a bit with a few more MANLY sports. Here are some suggestions. Hitting … Continue reading

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The Power of Negative Thinking

Some time ago there was a Dilbert strip wherein, when charged with having a bad attitude, Dilbert responds: “My attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly.” In one of the conference rooms at the now defunct Motorola Computer Group … Continue reading

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Two Running Vignettes

Part One Most every Saturday of my life that I can arrange it, I spend the morning teaching others about the Bible, and then devote the afternoon or more engaged in long runs of varying dimension. At least that was … Continue reading

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Coping with Incompetent Authority

As a freshman at University of Illinois, I took Hawksa boring required course. The instructor was an insufferable moron, a graduate liberal arts student. Early in the semester there was a big snow storm. It was an early morning class, … Continue reading

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Drivel

Here are some thoughts I’ve wanted to express for a long time. Yesterday I thought of a great mnemonic device, but I forgot what it was. I’m fully aware of the irony of this situation. Or maybe I was just … Continue reading

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Newbie Is as Newbie Does

No one rises to an opportunity to make fun of newbies more quickly than someone, usually young and male, who was himself a newbie just last week and now knows everything. These people like to be alert to opportunities to … Continue reading

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Life’s Great Ironies

Did you know that M O T H E R   I N   L A W is an anagram for W O M A N     H I T L E R That charming coincidence certainly applied well to my first one. To her daughter too, come to think of it.

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Adena Mounds

So—yesterday I drove up to Highbanks Park, in the north end of the city, and because I’ve been sick for two weeks straight, opted not to do a long run, but wanted at least a token excursion to get some … Continue reading

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The Consummate Word

P.G. Wodehouse. What he said. How he said it. Awesome!

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My Bus Trip

“I haven’t been on a bus since I was a child,” I told Ursula, the pleasant, businesslike clerk behind the counter at the Greyhound Station at 720 W. Muhammad Ali Boulevard in Louisville, Kentucky. “What’s the process?” There was no … Continue reading

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What Is Jogging?

Louis Armstrong allegedly said once, when asked what jazz is, if you have to ask, you’ll never know. In a roughly similar way, I’ve found that there are three types of people in this world who run: runners, joggers, and … Continue reading

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From the Snake Oil Department

Tonight my wife brought home one of those ladies magazines full of self-improvement schemes targeted at desperate women of the type who are not in the habit of thinking things through clearly. The titles on the cover featured articles designed … Continue reading

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Do-Tasks and Not-Do-Tasks

There are two kinds of tasks: Do-Tasks and Not-Do-Tasks. Most of the big life goals we set out to accomplish are achieved by Doing a sometimes complex array of tasks, often in some logical order. For instance, say I want … Continue reading

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Places in My Life

Given an infinite universe, coincidences abound. From the Small World department … Follow this link to a Google map of a block in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. You will see a block long building between 8th and … Continue reading

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Do I Have to Empty the Bit Buckets?

There was a maintenance man named Bill where I worked at Four Phase Systems in about 1985 who was a nice fellow, but one of the dumbest guys I’ve ever encountered. He was one of those guys for whom carrying … Continue reading

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A Thought on Literary Precision

Compare the consequences of a lack of a single punctuation mark in English and in software. Imagine what would happen if high school students were not permitted to graduate for failing to insert a quotation mark in an essay. I’ve … Continue reading

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Half Crazy

Most distance runners have been asked by non-runners: “How far is that marathon you’ll be running?” We all have our own saucy answers. I’m sure somewhere there’s a smart aleck who replies: “It’s just a standard marathon.” “Ummm … Oh! … Continue reading

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Chips Off the Workbench

Welcome to my verbal webcam. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, as I’ve been busy with work and the upcoming race Across the Years. Meanwhile, here are a few thoughts that pass through my eccentric mind. When people … Continue reading

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To-Do Lists

I don’t do things unless I’ve added them to a to-do list. Sometimes my wife will ask me to do something. I’ll say, “But that’s not on my list.” She’ll say, “So put it on your list.” So I put … Continue reading

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Ape

There’s a guy who comes to Bally’s gym that I call Ape. I call him that because it’s his name. Well, maybe not, but it should be. What else could his mother have thought when she first saw him? Ape … Continue reading

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The Rudest Devices

On July 13th I became the owner of my first cell phone. My resistance to having one in the past was not entirely for financial reasons, nor because I suffer from high-tech phobias, nor because I’m an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy. I’ve … Continue reading

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Giving Awards

Mankind is inextricably addicted to the ceremonious giving of awards. When I was a Boy Scout, our troop had a pancake making contest. I took it seriously, thinking the intent was to make the finest-looking stack of pancakes possible. Some … Continue reading

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Wagner’s The Flying Dutchman — Arizona Opera

Last night was the first time in 62 years of musical life that I ever attended a live production of a Wagner opera. At that rate I’ll be 124 before I see my next one. I can wait. The event … Continue reading

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The Most Secure Place in the World

Many adventure and sci-fi movies show scenes of top secret highly secure fortresses surrounded by armed guards and protected by more hi-tech gear than the Pentagon can afford. Each of these movies leaves you convinced that there couldn’t possibly be … Continue reading

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From Enron to Pink Plastic Flamingos

This is a tale of web “surfing” in the truest sense — something I don’t often do — an exploration of connections that led to an amusing conclusion relevant only to this blog. Last night Suzy and I rented and … Continue reading

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Fantastic Writing

At this moment my wife is sitting in the living room watching Lord of the Rings. I tried watching it when it first came out, but fell asleep, and have had no further interest in watching the others. I also … Continue reading

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Exhalations

I’m pathologically incapable of reading a sentence under the control of an editor and not editing it. In fact, I’m doing it right now! I’m having one of those experiences where an action produces a repeatable but seemingly unrelated reaction, … Continue reading

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Chopin on the Banjo

You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Bela Fleck playing a Chopin Etude on the banjo. If you were to listen to it while falling over a cliff while running from a bear in Alaska, your life would be complete (and … Continue reading

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Geezer’s Great Alaskan Adventure

… wherein he plunges head first off a cliff while running from a bear So there I was, last Thursday afternoon, trotting briskly down a steep section of the Dewey Lakes trails, east of Skagway, Alaska. The weather was a … Continue reading

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Pink Plastic Flamingos

HTML email is evil. It adds incredible amounts of bulk to mail and is potentially insecure. Some recipients resent it, and many email lists flat out forbid it, including one that I have helped to manage for over ten years. … Continue reading

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New Truths on Science and the Bible

A couple of years ago my wife and I heard a lecture on science and the Bible that revealed some new truths. Fortunately, I took notes. We learned: The entire universe is made out of science. Einstein invented dynamite. Einstein … Continue reading

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Estimating Driver Attitude

Drivers in Arizona wear their attitudes on the outside. The ones to fear most are those who drive trucks. Several secondary factors act as additive attitudinal properties. Among them are: A hat. If it’s on backwards or a cowboy hat, … Continue reading

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The Truth About Guys

So tell me — what are those girls underpants parties all about? I never have understood that. Guys don’t do those. Guys don’t say things like, “Say, Bubba’s getting married — let’s buy him some new Fruit of the Looms … Continue reading

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