medication to treat arthritis

Aerial Gynectomy

Aerial solution

Based on a true personal experience …

Trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, I chose the side of the street with shadows, but was approached by a woman who decided that I was the cause of all her life’s problems. She tried to delay me with her ranting. I tried to apologize in return, . . . → Read More: Aerial Gynectomy

Verizon’s Newbie Android Class Fail

Samsung Galaxy Note 3

Last night Suzy and I went to Verizon to take a “class” entitled “Beginning Android”. We were almost the youngest people there — and I’m seventy — I’ve arrived at the age where I want to tell people how old I am.

If I had to rate this experience on a . . . → Read More: Verizon’s Newbie Android Class Fail

There Are Not All Types of People

“There are all types of people in the world.” So claims an author I’ve been editing. Sounds like a truism, right?

No there’s not.

To say there is sounds as though there’s some master catalog of types, and that someone has checked to be sure there is at least one of each.

There are exactly as many types of . . . → Read More: There Are Not All Types of People

A Letter to One’s Copyeditor

Dear Ed Itor.

Please to find in file word proces is many words of Story, Is very very funny hilarious freinds say (ha ha!) Please to choose salubrious and make nice sentinces with sound is Good English. If maybe some not gentle or Maybe I make masteak, but I did best Ican an dont know masteaks. Am . . . → Read More: A Letter to One’s Copyeditor

Case Hope Long Executed

Noted ironist author Case Hope Long was executed by lethal injection this morning for a crime neither he nor anyone else could remember. Beforehand, he announced that his last words would be, “These are my last words.”

Considered a master of the arcane form of recursive historical fiction, Long’s last and possibly greatest work was a novel . . . → Read More: Case Hope Long Executed

Uncircling, Unfriending, and Unfollowing

Image via Wikipedia

Though I don’t maintain an ironclad bullet list of rules about who I follow in my social networks, certain annoyances move me to uncircle, unfriend, or unfollow persons posthaste. (All three italicized words are social networking neologisms.)

Give me full sentences in some reasonable semblance of English. Persons who write habitually in the abbreviated . . . → Read More: Uncircling, Unfriending, and Unfollowing

Pressing the Elevator Button

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Now and then I notice the way naive people make fun of more enlightened individuals who press elevator buttons repeatedly in an effort to make them arrive sooner. I’ve been known to beat on the call buttons of a few recalcitrant elevators myself. This actually works.

What these quipsters don’t know or have never . . . → Read More: Pressing the Elevator Button

About Legacy Posts

As of July 25, 2011, I have migrated over 130 articles from my Neologistics blog, where since August 2005 I have posted many unsorted articles, including items unrelated to editing, writing, or literature. The articles copied from the old site have all been labeled with the category LEGACY.

It has been a longstanding shortcoming of Google’s otherwise . . . → Read More: About Legacy Posts

Easy Start

Image via Wikipedia

If it weren’t so annoying I’d laugh at the words written on my Honda gasoline-powered powersprayer’s engine. It says:

EASY START

One is led to conjecture they display this expression to convey a sense of contrast with the sort of gas-engine-powered tools that often require a combination of Olympic athleticism and incantations to foreign gods . . . → Read More: Easy Start

My Visit with Queen Elizabeth II

Image via Wikipedia

I had a dream last night about Queen Elizabeth II. Lovely woman, that one.

She came to our locality for a visit, accompanied only by a male attendant, whom I presumed to be a personal secretary.

She spoke at a function I was at, of undefined purpose.

I walked a few steps behind her as she . . . → Read More: My Visit with Queen Elizabeth II

Giving Away My Roots

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

When I lived outside the tiny coastal town of Searsport, Maine, I had a nasty tooth problem and had to hightail it to a dentist. I knew of one in Belfast named — I’m not making this up — Dr. Blood, and his assistant was named Savage. . . . → Read More: Giving Away My Roots

Running Only Four or Five Hours

Long ago I considered running the Mickelson Trail Marathon. It sounded like a good race to me, and besides, I hadn’t run a regular marathon in years; but running it would have required me to travel from Arizona to South Dakota.

When I proposed the idea to Suzy, her initial reaction was: . . . → Read More: Running Only Four or Five Hours

Can You Guess How Oold I Am?

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Have you ever noticed how some older people like to tell you their age? It seems I’ve reached that point in life where I’m anxious to tell people my age, sometimes looking for excuses to do so. It’s a pretty sorry state to be in — not being the age I am, but . . . → Read More: Can You Guess How Oold I Am?

My Grandma

My Grandma Newton

had no automobile;
had no television;
had no radio;
had no telephone;
had an ice box instead of a refrigerator until 1952;
had no modern record player;
didn’t own a book except a Bible;
didn’t think much of music except hymns;
didn’t approve of my father’s choice of profession;
didn’t approve of dancing;
didn’t approve of alcohol;
didn’t approve of card playing;
would play Dominoes with . . . → Read More: My Grandma

My Buddy Mozart

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

A friend approached me one evening, an older (but not ancient) woman, wanting to know if she correctly understood what she had heard — that I had at one time been a professional photographer in New York City.

Having no idea where she might have acquired such misinformation, I assured . . . → Read More: My Buddy Mozart

The Real Inventor of the Internet

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An urban legend that circulated in 2000, one that persists today as a standing joke, was that Al Gore, then running for the office President of the United States, made the wild claim to have “invented the Internet.” Although Gore made no such claim, he did frequently talk about the . . . → Read More: The Real Inventor of the Internet

Nuggets

As I prepare to move in a few days into our new house in the Berwick community of Columbus, these thoughts cross my mind.

Long ago I attended a church service on Communion Sunday, when they pass around bread and wine. Next to me was a lady I never saw before, one who struck me . . . → Read More: Nuggets

MANLY Sports

There have been far too many sissy sports allowed into the Olympics, and personally, I’m weary of it. I say it’s time to beef up the agenda a bit with a few more MANLY sports. Here are some suggestions.

Hitting other MEN in the face as hard as you can until they fall unconscious. Oh wait, they . . . → Read More: MANLY Sports

The Power of Negative Thinking

Dilbert

Some time ago there was a Dilbert strip wherein, when charged with having a bad attitude, Dilbert responds: “My attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly.”

In one of the conference rooms at the now defunct Motorola Computer Group there was a plaque with a quote from CEO Bob Galvin that said: “Come to work . . . → Read More: The Power of Negative Thinking

Two Running Vignettes

Part One

Most every Saturday of my life that I can arrange it, I spend the morning teaching others about the Bible, and then devote the afternoon or more engaged in long runs of varying dimension. At least that was my habit for the last twelve years before I moved to Columbus. While . . . → Read More: Two Running Vignettes

Coping with Incompetent Authority

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

As a freshman at University of Illinois, I took Hawksa boring required course. The instructor was an insufferable moron, a graduate liberal arts student.

Early in the semester there was a big snow storm. It was an early morning class, and I arrived a few minutes late, . . . → Read More: Coping with Incompetent Authority

Drivel

Here are some thoughts I’ve wanted to express for a long time.

Yesterday I thought of a great mnemonic device, but I forgot what it was. I’m fully aware of the irony of this situation. Or maybe I was just looking for a way to use “irony” in a sentence.
Have you ever noticed? There . . . → Read More: Drivel

Newbie Is as Newbie Does

Image via Wikipedia

No one rises to an opportunity to make fun of newbies more quickly than someone, usually young and male, who was himself a newbie just last week and now knows everything. These people like to be alert to opportunities to respond to sincere questions asked on lists with handy . . . → Read More: Newbie Is as Newbie Does

Life’s Great Ironies

Did you know that

M O T H E R   I N   L A W

is an anagram for

W O M A N     H I T L E R

That charming coincidence certainly applied well to my first one.
To her daughter too, come to think . . . → Read More: Life’s Great Ironies

Adena Mounds

Image via Wikipedia

So—yesterday I drove up to Highbanks Park, in the north end of the city, and because I’ve been sick for two weeks straight, opted not to do a long run, but wanted at least a token excursion to get some fresh air and bestir my heartbeat, so I walked . . . → Read More: Adena Mounds

The Consummate Word

Image via Wikipedia

P.G. Wodehouse.

What he said.

How he . . . → Read More: The Consummate Word

My Bus Trip

Flaming bus

“I haven’t been on a bus since I was a child,” I told Ursula, the pleasant, businesslike clerk behind the counter at the Greyhound Station at 720 W. Muhammad Ali Boulevard in Louisville, Kentucky. “What’s the process?”

There was no one in line, and getting situated was easy. “That wasn’t too painful, was it?” she . . . → Read More: My Bus Trip

What Is Jogging?

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Louis Armstrong allegedly said once, when asked what jazz is, if you have to ask, you’ll never know. In a roughly similar way, I’ve found that there are three types of people in this world who run: runners, joggers, and those who don’t know the difference. The attempt to define . . . → Read More: What Is Jogging?

From the Snake Oil Department

Tonight my wife brought home one of those ladies magazines full of self-improvement schemes targeted at desperate women of the type who are not in the habit of thinking things through clearly.

The titles on the cover featured articles designed to help women lose “winter toxins” (toxins??? name one), another about how to make a . . . → Read More: From the Snake Oil Department

Do-Tasks and Not-Do-Tasks

Image via Wikipedia

There are two kinds of tasks: Do-Tasks and Not-Do-Tasks.

Most of the big life goals we set out to accomplish are achieved by Doing a sometimes complex array of tasks, often in some logical order. For instance, say I want to run an ultramarathon: I know I must train for it, so . . . → Read More: Do-Tasks and Not-Do-Tasks

Places in My Life

Given an infinite universe, coincidences abound. From the Small World department … Follow this link to a Google map of a block in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City.

You will see a block long building between 8th and 9th Avenues to the east and west, and 15th and 16th Streets on the north . . . → Read More: Places in My Life

Do I Have to Empty the Bit Buckets?

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

There was a maintenance man named Bill where I worked at Four Phase Systems in about 1985 who was a nice fellow, but one of the dumbest guys I’ve ever encountered. He was one of those guys for whom carrying a ladder was risky business, and whose . . . → Read More: Do I Have to Empty the Bit Buckets?

A Thought on Literary Precision

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Compare the consequences of a lack of a single punctuation mark in English and in software. Imagine what would happen if high school students were not permitted to graduate for failing to insert a quotation mark in an essay.

I’ve heard the likely apocryphal story of how the lack of . . . → Read More: A Thought on Literary Precision

Half Crazy

Most distance runners have been asked by non-runners: “How far is that marathon you’ll be running?” We all have our own saucy answers. I’m sure somewhere there’s a smart aleck who replies: “It’s just a standard marathon.” “Ummm … Oh! Great!”

One day a man at the gym asked me as I whizzed . . . → Read More: Half Crazy

Chips Off the Workbench

Welcome to my verbal webcam. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, as I’ve been busy with work and the upcoming race Across the Years. Meanwhile, here are a few thoughts that pass through my eccentric mind.

When people ask me why I run so much at my age I tell them I’m hoping to be . . . → Read More: Chips Off the Workbench

To-Do Lists

Image by bark via Flickr

I don’t do things unless I’ve added them to a to-do list. Sometimes my wife will ask me to do something. I’ll say, “But that’s not on my list.” She’ll say, “So put it on your list.” So I put it on my list. Then I’ll do it . . . → Read More: To-Do Lists

Ape

Image via Wikipedia

There’s a guy who comes to Bally’s gym that I call Ape. I call him that because it’s his name. Well, maybe not, but it should be. What else could his mother have thought when she first saw him?

Ape works out for hours almost every day, mostly in the free weights room. . . . → Read More: Ape

The Rudest Devices

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On July 13th I became the owner of my first cell phone. My resistance to having one in the past was not entirely for financial reasons, nor because I suffer from high-tech phobias, nor because I’m an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy. I’ve been an internetting software engineer since the mid-eighties, usually . . . → Read More: The Rudest Devices

Giving Awards

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Mankind is inextricably addicted to the ceremonious giving of awards.

When I was a Boy Scout, our troop had a pancake making contest. I took it seriously, thinking the intent was to make the finest-looking stack of pancakes possible. Some of the other boys brought in pancakes that . . . → Read More: Giving Awards

Wagner’s The Flying Dutchman — Arizona Opera

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Last night was the first time in 62 years of musical life that I ever attended a live production of a Wagner opera. At that rate I’ll be 124 before I see my next one. I can wait.

The event du jour was The Flying Dutchman, one of Wagner’s earliest works. The . . . → Read More: Wagner’s The Flying Dutchman — Arizona Opera

The Most Secure Place in the World

Many adventure and sci-fi movies show scenes of top secret highly secure fortresses surrounded by armed guards and protected by more hi-tech gear than the Pentagon can afford. Each of these movies leaves you convinced that there couldn’t possibly be a more important place in the world.

What might be found in the . . . → Read More: The Most Secure Place in the World

From Enron to Pink Plastic Flamingos

Image via Wikipedia

This is a tale of web “surfing” in the truest sense — something I don’t often do — an exploration of connections that led to an amusing conclusion relevant only to this blog.

Last night Suzy and I rented and watched Enron — The Smartest Guys in the Room, the appearance of . . . → Read More: From Enron to Pink Plastic Flamingos

Fantastic Writing

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

At this moment my wife is sitting in the living room watching Lord of the Rings. I tried watching it when it first came out, but fell asleep, and have had no further interest in watching the others. I also fell asleep watching the first Harry Potter movie, . . . → Read More: Fantastic Writing

Exhalations

I’m pathologically incapable of reading a sentence under the control of an editor and not editing it. In fact, I’m doing it right now!
I’m having one of those experiences where an action produces a repeatable but seemingly unrelated reaction, so remote as to seem impossible. It’s like turning on the car radio . . . → Read More: Exhalations

Chopin on the Banjo

Cover of Béla Fleck

You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Bela Fleck playing a Chopin Etude on the banjo. If you were to listen to it while falling over a cliff while running from a bear in Alaska, your life would be complete (and possibly over). You would never need to drink another . . . → Read More: Chopin on the Banjo

Geezer’s Great Alaskan Adventure

Image via Wikipedia

… wherein he plunges head first off a cliff while running from a bear

So there I was, last Thursday afternoon, trotting briskly down a steep section of the Dewey Lakes trails, east of Skagway, Alaska. The weather was a day to die for (and I almost did) — with temperatures in the low . . . → Read More: Geezer’s Great Alaskan Adventure

Pink Plastic Flamingos

Image via Wikipedia

HTML email is evil. It adds incredible amounts of bulk to mail and is potentially insecure. Some recipients resent it, and many email lists flat out forbid it, including one that I have helped to manage for over ten years.

An old friend, someone I’ve known for over forty years, . . . → Read More: Pink Plastic Flamingos

New Truths on Science and the Bible

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A couple of years ago my wife and I heard a lecture on science and the Bible that revealed some new truths. Fortunately, I took notes. We learned:

The entire universe is made out of science.
Einstein invented dynamite. Einstein later helped to develop the atomic bomb, but when he realized . . . → Read More: New Truths on Science and the Bible

Estimating Driver Attitude

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Drivers in Arizona wear their attitudes on the outside. The ones to fear most are those who drive trucks. Several secondary factors act as additive attitudinal properties. Among them are:

A hat. If it’s on backwards or a cowboy hat, score double.
A cigarette, which of course is a drug delivery . . . → Read More: Estimating Driver Attitude

The Truth About Guys

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So tell me — what are those girls underpants parties all about? I never have understood that. Guys don’t do those. Guys don’t say things like, “Say, Bubba’s getting married — let’s buy him some new Fruit of the Looms and jock straps and sit around swilling a few brewskis . . . → Read More: The Truth About Guys

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