Drivers in Arizona wear their attitudes on the outside. The ones to fear most are those who drive trucks. Several secondary factors act as additive attitudinal properties. Among them are:
- A hat. If it’s on backwards or a cowboy hat, score double.
- A cigarette, which of course is a drug delivery system. The bearers with their arms dangling out an open window so they don’t have to breathe their own filth, but who don’t hesitate to flick their butts on the street are the worst, because they openly manifest an underlying contemptuous me-first, me-only demeanor.
- A visible tattoo. All persons who get tattoos should be required by law to have their first one etched on their forehead, which should say: “TRASH ALERT!”
- A beard — which is nothing in itself when worn by a college professor or a physician driving an old Volvo, but on the driver of a truck it serves as a warning sign.
- A bumper sticker. Double points if its content is sexual, mean, or profane.
- A sleeveless t-shirt, which says: “Hey folks, I see nothing wrong with appearing in public in my underwear!”
- A sound system that can be heard three blocks away.
The mere fact that someone is driving a pick-’em-up truck sends the message in traffic: “I’ve got a truck, so I’ll go first. Get out of my way!” To which someone one-ups: “No! I’ve got a truck and a hat, so I’ll go first!” Followed by: “No! I’ve got a truck and a hat and a cigarette, so I’ll go first!” And “No! I’ve got a truck and a hat and a cigarette and a beard so I’ll go first!”
Excluded from this categorization are trucks with gun racks. Their drivers fall into an altogether different category. These monkeys are the type whose progeny are also their sisters and nephews and nieces. People like that you don’t mess with. Just keep to the right and give them their way.